I am doing a fourth step inventory on my marriage, my side, of all the fears and resentments and actions I have taken that were detrimental or are detrimental to my marriage, attitudes of the heart that made me like the woman in Proverbs who pulled down her house around her head. I must admit, it is extremely difficult to leave his side alone. Very hard. Just to do mine, and to walk away from my marriage without rancor or malice.
I do say a few goading things, and I hope I can let those go. We have held each other hostage for far too long, though we love each other. We hook each other back into the same old arguments and habits. It is as hard as quitting drinking was. Which is why I have to walk away, all I have left is the destructive feelings, and he doesn't deserve that anymore than I do. I want to be able to bless him in my heart, to wish him all the best. I just don't think I am it.
All this rancor is severely affecting my health, so I need to quit. I don't think it is helping his health either. I think we both eat our way through our anger, and soothe it with too much TV and apathetic lethargy, or sloth. Here I am confessing for both of us instead of just myself.
So be it, it will get better the more I work on the fourth step. It is called, cleaning up my side of the street. The amount of food and junk we have is evidence of how much anger w3e buried under stuff and food, under sopping to deal with the feelings - contemporary shopping therapy, almost in it's way as bad as my alcoholism was when I was practicing. I hope to recover from it all.
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